Loving Leviticus - Life as a gay man in the Christian Church.

I had the privilege of interviewing a close friend of mine - let’s call him ‘James’ - on his individual experiences with his local church, in which he spent his teens and early adulthood. James is still part of a church, and he loves it. James is a cis-gendered gay male. Now, due to the nature of the Christian Churches notorious homophobic and heteronormative reputation you may be wondering how this could be. James tells us a little of his thoughts below, he comes armed with a fascinating and unique story. From growing up in an atheist household, becoming a Christian in his teens, a wild teenaged male love affair laced with abuse, to ending up as a young adult married to a woman for a year before finally separating.

James now lives in London and works as a Creative Director. He is immensely talented and highly revered by his collaborators. He now lives out and proud, about his faith and his sexuality.

This is a small taste of his remarkable story.

What was your environment at home like growing up?

Well I now know that my Mum knew all along that I was gay. I thought I had this really cool act going on like no one knew. Not because I didn’t want anyone to know, but I felt like when I was younger I didn’t want to say anything unless I knew-knew and I don’t even know what that means anymore. But unless I was utterly confident with every fibre of my being then I didn’t want people to tell me that I was a certain way, until I decided for myself - I guess I’m a bit stubborn. So I think my parents always gave me a respectful distance in that area. I didn’t grow up in a christian household but we grew up on christian values (e.g. love your neighbour) even though my parents and sister weren’t christian. So I feel like if I came out in the traditional sense by sitting them down like ‘I’ve got something to tell you” I really don’t think they’d be bothered. I could have probably brought home a tree and said “I’m attracted to this tree” and they’d have been like “Great!” So you know, they wouldn’t have minded. I’m honestly very blessed with parents like that because I know most people aren’t.

How did you become part of a church?

When I was fourteen I found myself attending a church in central London. I was training as a dancer and became friends with people my age there, who were also dancers. I’ve been going ever since. That was the age of puberty first hitting, it was definite that I was attracted to men, I would think about men more than I would think about women. I think I had this resistance because I wasn’t sure yet. So I didn’t say anything and I think the silence then spoke for itself. I think that people can really suffocate in silence and that’s why now I’m big on talking and sharing. Even if you don’t have all the answers but I think that speaking honestly and openly about where you’re at is healthy. That’s a big thing for me that I wish I had more of at 14.

When did you first start having sexual experiences with men?

Well as I said silence is suffocating, so I would get drunk and dabble here and there at parties, trying to keep it all secret. I ended up in my first gay relationship at 17 which turned into something quite abusive and emotionally manipulative, lasted for about 9 months. I got out of that and I think I alienated my sexuality so much. Not because I felt condemned by it, but because no one [In my church circles] really spoke about it, I didn’t either. I guess I moved forward thinking it was not a good thing to talk about.

The church heavily promotes heterosexuality and a heteronormative lifestyle. Was there ever a time when you felt alienated from your faith at all?

I think it alienated in time. I don’t think anyone intentionally created this narrative [of homosexuality being incorrect] But all you’re hearing is that heterosexuality is encouraged. I found that singleness was more teased, there’s almost like an unspoken expectation that one day you’re gonna find someone - and that someone is of the opposite sex. Just by being silent, suggests that anything outside of that was obviously not the preferred route…I’m not slandering anyone of course saying that it’s suggested one and not the other - I’m just saying that one is silent, one is very loud. I drew conclusions that one was bad and one was good, despite never being overtly told anything bad about homosexuality in my church.

Christianity is known to preach the belief that premarital sex is wrong - how did you feel when you first lost your virginity whilst being involved in church?

I feel like growing up in church preserving your virginity is more preached at than homosexuality is. Like you hear so often not to be tempted before you’re married into sex more than anyone speaks about homosexuality in general - let alone gay sex. I lost my virginity to my first boyfriend as a teen. I guess the first time I had sex I didn’t feel bad, it was exciting the first few times. I was living two different lives, one with him one in front of everyone. So I felt like I was a different person as odd as that sounds. I think it was later on when the relationship ended that I felt bad. I remember when we broke up we had sex once after and I felt so dirty that I went home and showered. I found it strange morally that I felt I needed to do that.

In the years after that I tried to tell myself that I was attracted to women and I guess I was emotionally (some of my closest friends were women) and as you know I ended up marrying a woman and when we had sex for the first time and it just didn’t feel right. Everything on paper seemed right like ‘tick’ here ‘tick there’ but I just felt like I was violating my nature. In one area religion might argue its natural to be heterosexual, but for me it was the opposite. No disrespect to her of course she was beautiful and wonderful but for me it just told me…like wow this isn’t just a surface pleasurable thing but it was something deeper.

Was there ever a moment when you felt like ‘God was angry with you’?

Interestingly no. I felt disappointed by God, more because I told myself or I associated him with the belief that heterosexuality was the only way, for a few years. But I never felt unloved by God. I felt angry that people would affirm that lifestyle or decision [heterosexuality] with God, and I would believe that was true. So maybe its just what others told me that made me feel that way. But I don’t think I’ve ever felt unloved by God, I know him enough to know that he loves me no matter what. I can see how a lot of people would feel like that. I think it’s really interesting that people paint that picture of God when God is meant to be beyond human imagination.

How did you feel received by your church peers during your journey through homosexuality?

In the worst moments, I felt more silently shamed by people, than by God. I’d rather people had just said it to my face! When I got married of course a lot of people sort of applauded my decision, they loved it. So that’s interesting, because it didn’t work out.

But most of my friends, once I came out, no one was shocked. Everyone more or less knew and I think its very respectful of them to have given me the space to figure it out on my own and supported me through it. But on the other end of the scale theres this overwhelming silence from some people who were at my wedding - who now don’t even look at me. Everyone knows why my marriage ended, I have to walk past some people everyday and I have to stop myself from demonising them because some people will be awkward. We don’t talk about it in church, its not their fault or mine. If you don’t have some sort of security of your self esteem then its a very dangerous place for you. Some people just don’t know how to act because they haven’t been educated. I’m just like…it’s not that deep, be normal. There was a a lot of horrible rumours that myself and a friend of mine were having an ‘affair’ so for a while after my divorce I very much had my defences up.

To be fair, I never experienced any straight up homophobia. I do have an insanely great group of friends who were almost like a tight pack of bodyguards! I don’t think anyone would have ‘dared’. They are very loyal and protective so I suppose if there were any nasty comments or rumours they were definitely squashed by my ‘bodyguards’ before they ever made it to my ears.

A good friend of mine, a pastor, he turned around to me and said ‘I need you to be ready to be surprised by peoples kindness.’ Over the next few months I had some incredible people pop up and offer me support and acceptance which was amazing. Heterosexual men who barely knew me were coming up to me (not trying to hit on me, nothing like that) literally just trying to look out for me, and let me know they were there as a friend. I actually told myself to give them a chance and I had conversations with them and you know, not all of them agreed that they thought homosexuality was right but they were all open to listen and support which is the main thing.

Our pastor, who is an older more traditional guy, he is happy with who I am. I think like me he sees more to the person than their sexuality, theres more to me and my identity than who I am attracted to you know? And I think for him he was just like ‘Hmm Jesus didn’t speak about it once…I don’t think Jesus cared’ he knows I love Jesus, and I love being in church. So that’s all he’s concerned with, salvation.

Loving people or accepting people isn’t always agreeing with them. It’s just being there and treating them with respect.

How do you feel now about your homosexuality now?

I think people just don’t know the answers on homosexuality in church. I don’t think The Church has done a very good job in the past with the topic, and I think they’d be the first to admit that. [The Church as a whole not just the church I attend] it’s quite a sensitive topic, everyone’s at a bit of a tension point because there’s radical opinions everywhere. I think they all need to relax, God is good. If God is good and almighty then I don’t think he is massively concerned with if people are gay, straight, bisexual, trans etc. I don’t think he is shocked. I think the church just needs to accept people.

Theres a verse in the bible* where is says ‘neither this nor that - you are all equal to Jesus …’ and I think that can extend to ‘neither gay nor straight’ in modern context. I don’t think Jesus looks at labels. Maybe it’s not that deep, I know that’s a big statement. I think we just need to redirect our energy to something better.

I don’t know all the psychology behind homosexuality but I think my biggest revelation behind all of this is that God doesn’t make mistakes. Even after my divorce from my wife and going on to having sex with men again [I’m now single and openly gay] for me it feels right. Everything in my fibre tells me that it’s good, it feels good and its the right things for me.

Which maybe makes me feel that we [the church] are a bit behind with it all. You know people argue that religion was used in history to control people and still is etc. I don’t know all about that but I do know that I do believe in God and I believe God is good and I don’t feel dirty when I have sex now. I know people have different views and opinions and I tried to do the ‘right’ thing and it wasn’t ‘right’ for me, so? To be honest I don’t know if God really cares that much about…sex you know? I don’t think he’s on a throne worrying himself about who is sleeping with who. I don’t know why in the bible it says you can’t sleep with the same sex I don’t know why or where exactly it says you can’t have sex before marriage and I’ve read the bible A LOT.

I don’t know, I can only speak from experience. I don’t think God makes mistakes. The bible can be very vague, I don’t think I have radical opinions on it. But in the reality I’m living now between me and God I feel more authentic and genuine now…and well sex is good.

*Galatians 3:28 “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female: for you are all one in Jesus Christ.”

Lastly, do you see yourself having a Husband and family - and will you raise your children Christian?

I think I have a very alive relationship with Jesus. It adds so much richness to my life, I can’t imagine my life without it. I think I would want whoever I spend the rest of my life with to have that too, my kids as well. Way in the future of course, so yes I would love my future family to believe in Jesus too.

This story was written for and published by HAÜS Magazine for Issue 3 https://www.hausmagazine.co.uk/